My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Barsexuality is the new black.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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