There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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