I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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