I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
