She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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