Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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