pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
