So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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