I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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