Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
