I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
