i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
