my sisters under your porch take her home
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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