My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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