it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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