I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
either way he was missing a nipple.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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