I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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