i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
