is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
