If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
