lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
