My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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