This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
