In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
