Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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