Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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