my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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