Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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