Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
