he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
