why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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