Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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