Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
