So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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