i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
