Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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