The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
