I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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