he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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