in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
