i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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