he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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