but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize