Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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