Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
