Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
