I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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