im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
