Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
