The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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