My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
this just has baby written all over it
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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