I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize