It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
