am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize