Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
