seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize