I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
