Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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