My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
